Here comes Super Bowl LVI. Here comes the conclusion to the NFL season, set in beautiful SoFi Stadium in Los Angeles, while you watch on NBC some 3,000 miles away.
You’ll grab your family, some wings and dips, maybe a few beverages, and you’ll head to that Super Bowl watch party you reluctantly accepted. Maybe it’s because you’re not a fan of the other folks attending the party. Perhaps you can’t stand seeing Odell Beckham Jr. potentially winning a championship with anyone other than the Giants. Heck, maybe you don’t even like football.
No worries on all counts. Because not only does the halftime show — featuring Dr. Dre, Eminem, Snoop Dogg, Kendrick Lamar and Mary J. Blige — promise to entertain, but also because we at PlayNY have a Super Bowl-related game that will surely make attending that watch party worthwhile.
Super Bowl Squares: Column S
Get those daubs ready, and familiarize yourself with some details of what qualifies as a winner.
Sports gambling ad
Since online sports betting in New York went live in January — even leading up to launch — residents have been inundated with ads and marketing from sportsbooks. With the most-watched program now airing, the Super Bowl will surely have its fair share of even more advertising. See Ben Affleck going good-will hunting for some WynnBet betting advice from Shaq? Daub it.
There’s always one. Unsuccessful play call from the sideline? Unfortunate penalty whistled by the ref? Both cases get TV yeller off his Cheetos-stained spot on the sofa to scream at the screen. All that yelling isn’t going to help, especially when you’re thousands of miles away and on technically on delay as well
Oh, Odell. In the Super Bowl for the first time of his career. In a Los Angeles Rams jersey. Cue up your Giants fan buddies:
- “We could have won if he had not become a prima donna.”
- “No, it’s a good thing we got rid of him. Now we’ll perpetually draft in the top 10 with the Jets.”
- “I’m just happy for him, finally getting his ring.”
- “Change the channel, my eyes are sweating or something.”
FREE SPACE: “Here’s a guy…”
A tribute to a former Cincinnati Bengal now serving as Al Michaels’ not-as-enjoyable commentator: Cris Collinsworth. A man who begins 85% of his “analysis” by pointing out that this player is a guy who (insert any generic trait). Here’s to a classic.
Super Bowl Squares: Column B
Starting to get the idea? It’s a mix of watching the big game but also observing — and possibly instigating in order to get a square — your friends.
“Here for the commercials”
All you need is one person. And let’s face it, there are usually four or five in a room at once. “I don’t care who wins; I’m just here for the commercials.” And sadly, the commercials aren’t even that good for the most part. Everyone will forget them by halftime anyway, and then you get to enjoy Trying To Remember What The Commercial Was Theater.
What about the Jets?
For the most part, if we can be honest, the New York Jets haven’t featured a memorable (in a good way, Mark Sanchez) since Broadway Joe Namath. Perhaps one of the most difficult squares to fill, this revolves around the conversation turning to the stable of lackluster stallions trotted out by the Jets since the deliverer of The Guarantee. Been a minute, Gang Green. But maybe Zach Wilson will actually be the answer?
Similar to TV yeller, the rules guy is antagonized by the action. A flag comes out? Here comes Rules Guy: “Here’s why that’s not pass interference.” Then he throws out the buffer zone for defensive backs, why the DB has equal opportunity to make a play on the ball, why the Pythagorean theorem dictates… Does Gene Steratore have any idea what this guy’s talking about?
The man who deserves a statue in every borough, David Tyree might not ever have to buy himself a meal in New York ever again, thanks to the Helmet Catch. Mark this space if the telecast mentions Tyree’s heroics, or if your friend’s cousin who hasn’t spoken in an hour decides to finally break the ice after a pass falls incomplete: “Where’s David Tyree when you need him, right?” But seriously: How the heck did Eli avoid a sack?
Super Bowl Squares: Column 5
Now we’re getting into it. Why slow down? Aside from a potential sore spot…
FREE SPACE: Buffa-low Bills
Ah, beautiful Southern California. Site of this year’s Super Bowl, but also home to third-time’s-the-charm thinking from Buffalo Bills fans in 1993. In Pasadena that year, Buffalo was blown out by the Dallas Cowboys for the Bills’ third straight loss in the Super Bowl. Buffalo added a fourth L the following year, a streak that might not ever be matched again. Any mention of any of these Bills almost-was moments, that’s a daub. This could have gone on the far right column, but that might have been too personal. Man, still feel bad for Scott Norwood.
Bud Light commercial
Possibly the very first space to mark. But, if you want to mix it up and make it more difficult, only daub this square when you see a commercial for a beer you are actively drinking. Oh, Bud Light. A salute to Dilly! Dilly!, the Pit of Misery and the Bud Knight.
It’s bound to happen. Someone dunks into the buffalo chicken dip, takes a bite, returns for more with the same piece of food. As Timmy said to George Constanza: “Just take one dip and end it!”
Chicken wings, pizzas, burgers, bratwurst. The Super Bowl is the premier excuse for rolling out the smorgasbord of “Here’s why my cholesterol has reached 250” reasons to your doctor. But one party-goer decided to bring a healthy alternative? A tray of vegetables? Chipes and wings are perfectly fine. No need for carrots. Mark this space as the insults and the tray fly at Vegetable Guy.
Super Bowl Squares: Column 6
Final column. Now you’re into it, right?
Remember the playing days
Watching Joe Burrow somehow escape a sack a la Eli Manning and find Ja’Marr Chase downfield for a first down stirs up some emotions for one of your fellow party attendees. He goes ahead and reminisces about his playing days. Automatic bingo win if he mentions how he could have made it in the NFL if his JV coach didn’t hate him.
All it takes is one somewhat innocent request: “Hey, while you’re up, can you get me another beer?” We get it, beer asker, you’re lazy. Have Could-Have-Made-It Guy catch this 80 mph Silver Bullet (Coors Light).
Tom Brady talk
A remarkable career is over (for now). Tom Brady announced his retirement after 22 seasons, seven Super Bowl wins and three MVPs. It’s almost a certainty that the telecast will comment on Brady. But this square earns a daub when the party conversation turns to the Giants and Eli Manning. Why? In the Super Bowl against Brady, Giants are 2-0. How great could he be, right?
Halftime show with Janet Jackson
This halftime show should be one of the more entertaining intermissions in Super Bowl history. But, when it comes to the Super Bowl halftime show, folks usually go to two things: Janet Jackson and her wardrobe malfunction. No Super Bowl party can truly be complete without a Janet Jackson reference.